self degradation.

Over the last three years it has been brought to my attention, like those chairs where a person is strapped down and their eyelids are pinned open, (Think Clockwork Orange) that I may have some self-esteem issues. The way I talk about myself is unhealthy, hurtful and a real waste of energy. 

It's always been weird and sad to me that women accept self degradation from other women so much quicker than confidence. Women gathering around mirrors pointing out their crooked teeth, or blotchy skin. It gets easier and easier to mention your flabby thighs or pooch tummy with nonchalance and complete exceptance from your friends.

I met a girl through some friends in Mexico almost three years ago. She was absolutely beautiful. She was a distance runner in highschool and had been modeling for a couple of years after graduating. She came down to the Copper Canyon Ultramarathon with my friend Ted and had planned on running but had hurt her foot, knee, ankle or something prior to the trip. I wanted to like her. I want to like everyone. She asked the guys on the trip to carry her when we went on hikes because she was hurt, yet as soon as the camera came out (a film crew was getting footage for a documentary on the race and Caballo Blanco) she was fine, running even! She stayed up late laughing, talking and listening to music so loud the night before the race, and locked me out of our shared hostel on race day. She was one of the sketchiest, most inconsiderate people I've ever met. It was really hard for me to accept the feedback she gave me before we flew our seperate ways. She asked me if I had many friends. I replied that I didn't. She said it was probably because my self esteem issues got in the way of building relationships and that being around me was exhausting. 

Ouch.

It took me like, a year to stop thinking "fuck her" and actually start considering that she might have a valid point. 


Shawn loves me. With all his heart. I know that. He tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful and fit and strong every single day. He also says I call myself fat every single day. Every single day!? I was completely unaware that I do that, but I believe him. Why does anyone need to do that? It's embarrassing just talking about it.

I think of the women I admire, the babes I secretly crush on, the strangers I see who I'm immediately envious of.. they might have blonde hair, brown hair, no hair, they might be thin, athletic, super buff muscley, they might be 21 or they might be 50, but I realized they all have one thing in common. Confidence.

I feel like I have gotten much more confident and I've started to like myself more over the last three years but last night I said something about myself while I was running up some steep-ass mountain with Shawn and he stopped running, looked at me, and said "I wish you could go ONE DAY without calling yourself fat"

Ugh.