write hard and clear about what hurts.

my dad died 309 days ago.

I think I'm finally ready to feel it, think about him, write about him, and process my new normal.

Miss you like crazy dad.

remember that time. ..

I broke my ankle 11 months ago?
Well, I just did 50 miles in the last 7 days!

I guess I'm back?!

A friend who's on the bench due to injury recently reached out to me and asked how I didn't go nuts, breakdown, cry myself to sleep every night while I wasn't able to run, hike, climb, skydive, and live life at the speed at sketchiness I love.

I had to be honest and tell her I did go nuts. I did breakdown. I did cry myself to sleep. Everyone told me I'd be back in no time, I should enjoy the downtime, let myself relax and appreciate some less sweaty, suffery fun, but I didn't handle my injury with any class or grace. I whined and complained and became a real pain in the ass.

It's funny, though. Now that I'm back to running and hiking, climbing, flying and living.. . 

It almost feels like it didn't happen. 

I wish I would have slowed down and appreciated that down time instead of cursing it. I should have read more, played the piano more, the ukulele! I should have practiced my French, worked in the garden, baked pies for my friends, spent more time with my family. ..

but I'm back! and I'm pooped. 

But I'm playing the ukulele, and I'm practicing French, I've been trying to find the balance I lacked before I blew up my ankle.

This Week's:

Total Vertical Gain:  10,207

Total Mileage: 50.04 miles

Overall: A little bit of fast, a little bit of steep, a whole lot of fun!

Currently Listening To: The Lumineers - Ophelia (over and over)

I got a new job!

I kind of can't believe it. 

One day I'm thinking about jumping out of the third story window to avoid my workload (which as far as DESK JOBS go I had a pretty rad gig!) but I just couldn't take it anymore! Then the wheels start moving, things start happening and the pieces start to fall in to place. 

I got a job I feel like I've been accidentally training for my whole life!

So, ok. I know I'm not like, the CEO of Goldman Sachs or something. .. but you know that's not my style. So I'm thinking I'm doing something even better! :)

I'm a tech rep for Salomon Footwear and Suunto.

eee!

I now visit accounts, work races/events and orchestrate group runs from the tippy top of Montana, to sweet, sweet southern Utah. I go to Jackson Hole, Moab, Bozeman, Boise, Park City. .. I drive a burly black SUV with Salomon and Suunto logos plastered on it and talk to people about hiking, running, getting lost, how not to get lost, and just good old fashion ADVENTURING.  

The DAY BEFORE I started this dreamy job I broke my leg/ankle. It's a stupid, somewhat embarrassing story (DM me for details) (haha) but I walk in the room full of 10-15 super fit dudes and I'm like, this dumbass on crutches .. oh hey.

That's another cool thing; on a team of 10-12 folks, I'm the only girl! #girlpower

Now I just have to be the very best, most radical tech rep on the planet.

list

I just read a bunch of old blog posts and emails from like, 2006.
I'm so happy that I'm happy now. 
Every day is better than the one before. 
Every year trumps the last. 


One thing I picked up on, is that I used to always make lists. 
You can summarize a weekend, a day, a year. .. 
I made a list of fun things I've done this year, cause we're about halfway.



THIS YEAR
SO FAR

new year's in Eloy, AZ.
skydives in onesie PJ's.
snowboarding.
nordic skiing.
avalanche class.
downhill skiing.
ski touring.
planting things in February in the greenhouse.
ran 50 miles.
climbing outside in February!
pottery.
running.
running.
running.
slot canyons.
rappelling.
snowy summit attempts.
snowy summit success!
moab.
moab.
moab.
trad climbing.
multipitches.
arches.
towers.
my birthday.
4 X 4 relay.
ogden marathon.
skydiving with JESSIE DIGGINS!
motorcycles!
outdoor concerts.
new friends.

and an addendum.

After I wrote the previous blog for AndShe'sDopeToo, I realized that I followed so strictly and so basically the questions she asked me that I forgot a lot of things that I would have added if I were just rambling from the heart, as per usual. So here's this! 

Sorry :)

I was reading over the post a few minutes ago and wish I hadn't said the race started with a "hoard" of runners. The only way this group of runners would have been called a hoard was if, like, I had to stand in front of them naked. It was a lot of people to have to stand in front of naked, but it wasn't a lot of people to be running a race. So I'd like to rephrase that to say "small group of runners." .. and that's just another one of the millions of things that drew me to trail running/races.

Speaking of things that I love about trail running, (maybe more specifically, ultrarunning) is the wonderful community. I'm disappointed that I didn't mention that in my original post. You think I conjured up the motivation and strength to finish my first 100? WRONG. My sweet friends and even two really assertive strangers are to blame/thank for that one. Plus, you know, sometimes you're slogging up some mountainside in the heat, or rain or dark all by your lonesome and maybe you're thinking "this kinda sucks, dude" but then you go for a group run or meet up with a hundred of your closest friends for a trail race and you're like, oh yeah. I love these freaks. These people are always at the top of the list and the strongest argument to keep going whenever I try to quit.

I met a bunch of weirdos at a race in the Copper Canyons of Mexico that I very much consider family now. The Mas Loco family, crazy enough to venture in to the "dangerous" canyons of Mexico and share trails with the beautiful running people, the Tarahumara. I meet and make new friends at every race and even on my local trails and it makes me wonder if trail running attracts compassionate, genuine people or if it breeds them. I'm still not entirely sure, but they are everywhere! Honestly, I've met some of the best folks I've ever known through this sport. 

I will always loudly and repeatedly proclaim that community is the number one thing I love about ultra/trail running. 

Let everything inspire you.

It’s 5:56 am and I’m just pulling up to a dirt lot with a small white tent. The sun isn’t up yet. I fish around in my backpack for my headlamp, secure the dorky thing around my bed head/top-knot and jog to the start line. I get to the hoard of runners right as they count down the final seconds to 6:00 am. With a little hootin’ and hollerin’ we just start running. This is one of the millions of things I love about trail running. There’s no music blaring, no shuttle to the start line, just a guy in a baseball cap who draws a line in the dirt with his toe and yells “GO!”

Before you know it, a steady stream of lights can be seen zig-zagging their way up the mountainside. Runners are casually chatting with one and another. I look over at my boyfriend and smile. We're running 50 miles!

4 years ago I hadn’t run over 3 miles. I was a calorie counter, gym goer and running maybe 6-10 miles a week for fitness and weight loss. Like a lot of people, I always wanted to run a marathon, so I just started running more. I'd run trails some days and roads on others, just trying to log more and more miles. I read a few books, blogs and training plans by Hal Higdon and Jack Daniels (not the whiskey, dang it) but quickly realized I didn’t like “tempo runs” or running at my “threshold” for 20 minutes. I just like running on trails! So one day (with some nudging from the guy I’m dating) I decided I would just go run a marathon! It was entirely self supported, on my favorite trails, in the snow and ice! I don’t remember how long that took or where I ran, exactly but I remember how I felt afterward; like I could do anything! And I think that is the best feeling in the world.

I started running 4, 5 sometimes 6 days a week. I upped my miles rapidly, maybe too rapidly, and I spent a lot of days feeling pretty lousy, but something kept pulling me out of my bed at 4:00 am, and making me squeeze in a run on my lunch break, or in the pitch black night. I was hooked! I ran a 50 mile race before I ever ran a (real) marathon, half marathon, 10k or anything. I guess some people might say I went about that all wrong, but I just don't ease in to things I love. I don't believe in moderation when it comes to passion. So maybe not every run was positive, but the outcome always was. At the end of the week I would add up my miles and elevation gain and scribble down the song that got me pumped up or kept me going and the next week I'd run hills a little quicker, run a little further, add another song to my play list and I'd keep running. It made me feel like I was working toward something. It made me feel powerful. I was running in the most beautiful places, seeing mountain goats on ridgelines and pausing briefly on some rocky summit, to look out into the miles and miles of wilderness. Now, don’t get me wrong, not every run is a mind-blowing, chart-topping, record breaking epic. For the longest time it was actually quite the opposite, and even still, some days aren’t fun at all. I tend to set really lofty goals, run races that are way out of my league, but I always tell myself, no matter how slow I’m moving; I’m lucky to spend another beautiful day in the mountains.

Something great that came from jumping in over my head was that I learned a lot about recovery, repair and nutrition. I know way too much about shin splints, muscle cramps and puking. Getting all of these things dialed in really helps you obtain a perfect, or nearly perfect, race. I learned a lot about Contrast Treatments. (This is where you alternate between ice and heat on an injury to pump blood in and out of the area, essentially. It really helps reduce swelling. It’s amazing.) I’ve become best friends with my foam roller and started doing a lot more yoga for muscle elasticity and mobility. For nutrition I realized pretty quickly that I can’t eat the fancy schmancy athlete food. I don’t eat blocks, or gels or bars at all. I like eating real, whole foods. I typically eat a big breakfast (with lots of starch and protein) about an hour before a long run, mostly fruit (fresh and dried) or cookies while running and something super packed with protein afterward. .. or pizza and beer :)

So let’s fast forward 4 years. I currently keep a baseline of 25 miles a week, no excuses. I like to get a few 50-60 mile weeks in before a 50 mile or 50K race. I'll do two or three days of intervals, really focusing on sprints and speed and then a couple days of hill repeats. On the weekend I'll go out for a long run, maybe 17-25 miles, and then try to get at least 3 miles the next day to shake it all out and remind my body it CAN keep going when it's tired. So there you have it! And  here I am, after thousands of miles of running, triumphant successes, serious bouts of misery and vowing I'd never run again, and I just finished a 50 mile race. It was one of the most positive experiences of my life.

I’ve done four 50's now, I even ran 100 miles once, but that was heinous. I saw parts of myself I didn’t know existed! Silly parts, bull-headed, stubborn parts, beautiful and positive parts, and sad, sad parts.. I learned that it is so important to be able to see your strength at your most miserable moments. Running long distances can be an emotional rollercoaster. Learning who you are and how to smooth out those highs and lows is one of the reasons I keep going back. I keep thinking, if I can run 100 miles I will transcend all conceptual limits and be this superhuman, power babe. When, in actuality, I’m still going to be the same dirt bag with mud spattered legs and a tangled up ponytail, but I can honestly say, I love running! and it rarely, if ever, feels like suffering anymore. It’s fun, it’s wild, it’s therapy. It’s sunshine on my face, beautiful views from a mountain summit, with wind in my hair, rocks in my shoes and tired, tired legs.

Sometimes I don’t run with music, it’s nice to be outside and present with the sights and sounds of the mountains around you. But when I do, I have a pretty amazing playlist. Here’s a few jams I’ve been listening to lately:

All I Do Is Win	DJ Khaled (feat. T-Pain. Ludacris, Snoop Dogg)
Reckoning Song	Asaf Avidan & The Mojos
Titl	Meghan Trainor
I Knew You Were Trouble	Taylor Swift
22	Taylor Swift
The Deadroads	The Rural Alberta Advantage
Pa Pa Power	Dead Man’s Bones
The Mother We Share	CHVRCHES
Recover	CHVRCHES

Let everything inspire you.
Let beauty overwhelm you.

run on sentences. inspiration bubbling over.

I've been running so much lately and I don't have a race or anything coming up. It sure can be hard to stay motivated with nothing on the horizon. However, I recently had two super inspiring things happen and I'd like to tell you about them :) 

This babe Lexie that lives here in Ogden has been a fountain of inspiration this summer. I'm impressed by and completely envious of her. She and I have never met IRL but mutual friends are always saying we should. She's always out summiting something, running fast and hard on the trails with her beautiful long hair. .. well, she messaged me the other day and asked me if I ever get burned out on running! I was like, yeah. .. but then I just look at your Facebook page and get JAZZED up again! Or watch a YouTube video of Kilian doing some jaw dropping thing in The Alps.. That made me think.. what an amazing gift to give someone, the gift of inspiration. and now MY inspiration was asking ME for inspiration. funny :) Maybe it's me being jealous, or maybe I'm being competitive.. whatever it is, it gets my booty out of bed at 4:00am to go do speed work in the absolute darkness.

and THEN,

Last weekend I had the privilege of pacing vegan, tattooed, ultrarunner Catra Corbett, who has over ONE HUNDRED 100 mile finishes under her belt. What?! I stayed with her for 22 miles through the pitch black, cold of the night and she just kept pushing. Now, no disrespect here; I mean, I fell asleep WALKING during my hundred and I know they are exhausting, brutal and oftentimes heartbreaking, but we were barely moving. Her hamstring was really bothering her but she couldn't take an ibuprofen because her tummy was empty and she was having a hard time eating or drinking anything. The pain from her hammy moved up in to her hip and down to her shin. This just wasn't her day. So how is this inspiring? Just seeing someone out there struggling, putting one foot in front of the other, trying her hardest to get it done. Sometimes I feel like everyone is elite, everyone is stronger and faster than me. I can see, feel, hear the struggle I'm having loud & clear and everyone else looks fresh and powerful. But maybe we're all on some level of misery. Running is hard, guys. You can always get faster and stronger but I believe you also need to be able to appreciate your strengths and your abilities where they are right NOW. Otherwise you're always letting yourself down. Be stoked that you're capable of running at all and think of where you can go if you're persistent and excited. She was feeling pretty low at one point and I remember her saying "no one has done what I've done, I can do this. one foot in front of the other." That was a pretty powerful moment for me. It is so important to be able to see your strength at your most miserable moments. 

I'm allowing myself to really revel in these breakthroughs I'm having. 

I'm appreciating where I'm at now versus 3 years ago, 3 months ago, 3 days ago. 

Running is hard, for sure.. but running is also really effing fun. 

I haven't been trail running much lately. I've been doing a lot of speed work and intervals on the road and even at the track, but I'm going out for a TRAIL run after work today. I can't wait!

I got Thai food before pacing Catra and put the fortune in my pocket.

 I took this photo on top of Scott's Pass as the sun was rising. Totally perfect.

This Week's:

Total Vertical Gain: 6,972 feet

Total Mileage: 62.43 miles

Overall: So much flat speedwork! I'm getting FASTER though. I can feel it.

Currently Listening To: Ingrid Michaelson - Girls Chase Boys